This post is much easier to write when I have time and getting along with my husband. And most importantly, when I remember.
A million mini cupcakes and he's gaming. So- time! And he's being extra nice these days. And I remembered!
I dont want to make this blog "preachy," but this seems to be a topic of interest.
And hopefully I can keep it simple.
There's more on this (of course), but let's focus on the true basics.
Ephesians 5:22-24 (NIV)
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
We're supposed to what?
"Submit" is a scary word.
Depending on who you are, this could possibly be the most difficult piece of instruction the Bible gives us.
We're not writers, or super creative, so we didnt write our own vows. We looked at a bunch of 'traditional' vows and picked which version we liked the best. I purposely made sure that mine had "to honor and obey" in them. I'm pretty sure a lot of people purposely make sure they are not "officially" committing to this in front of other people.
It's not always easy. Especially when he gives me tasks that I dont enjoy. Or when he's being grumpy. Or when we're not getting along. Those times are when it comes down to my heart. And I am so aware of how my heart is in these times. I always tell my kids that their attitudes and responses are their own choice. I am also choosing the thoughts that I have during these times. And I have to make sure that I have the right attitude. Because grumbling about doing what I'm told is not real submission. Not the way God wants it.
I. am. terrible. at this. The more I think and pray on this, the (slowly) it gets easier. But there are still major issues. I HATE CLEANING. My dear husband needs a clean house. (Poor guy.) Sometimes it's a submission issue. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes the only reason I clean is because it's what he wants and I'm being nice. Sometimes I dont get as much done as I could because I'm annoyed at him. Sometimes I clean because it's what he wants and I'm angry the whole time. I think he doesnt care what my attitude is as long as things are getting done. Though I think he can tell when I'm happier about it. God certainly does! And that's the part that matters.
There are times when submitting is just convenient. Seriously. I wont lie and say there havent been times when I wanted to say no to someone, but felt bad, and then was totally relieved when Jesse said no. "He's the boss. We cant do this." Of course, there are times when I do want to do something and he says no, too. (Not as convenient.)
Not just activities. When we work on projects or are sitting and paying our bills, we try to be a team. He listens to my thoughts and opinions. He respects them- I have no doubt. But if it comes down to it, he's the boss. Sometimes that's frustrating when he's making decisions that I'm not 100% excited about. Sometimes it's easier for me because I'm not decisive. And sometimes that is frustrating for him- whether it be because it puts more pressure on him to make the right decision or because he just simply wants some more input.
I've had to explain this to a few people. It seemed to never come up for a long time. Like the people that I talked to just understood. But then all of the sudden there were a few that were actually offended that I would obey my husband over their desires or "stand up for myself". He's the most important person in my life. This is the way we believe it should be and what we have works. I'm not going to mess that up just for fun. That is so hard for people to understand. But I appreciated the opportunity to have to think about it and explain it to them. Because up until I few months ago, I didnt truly think of it too often. It was good for me.
I know this is not true for a lot of people, but most of the time, I think it fits with our personalities. He's very first-born (yes, bossy). I'm not independent. Life if easier for me when there are instructions. Okay. Not always. There have been plenty of times where I wish he didnt tell me to do certain things. Mostly because they are things that just dont sound fun. But then- there we go back to the heart issue.
Society today wants women to be stronger than men. Not equals, but above. Because we want to be treated sweetly and gently, but given all the power. I havent seen that working out for too many people- not married ones anyway. We are not the weaker sex. But we should be the gentler. That's the way God made us. The man is the head of the home. The wife is the helpmate. Not equal in control. To try to fight for that sounds awful to me. Way worse than even as hard as it is to submit.
Life for Christians is a giant ongoing battle between living for God and doing what makes our selfish selves feel better in the moment. Relinquishing control is not easy. But past the moment, past the argument, past the issue- is it better to have control and do whatever we want? Or better to do what we're supposed to do? To back off a bit and remember that our husbands are who God gave us to protect us, provide for us, hold us, care for us, be our best friends.
There are times when submitting to your husband is not required. God doesnt want us to go against His will to do it. If it's illegal or harming someone, dont do it. Fortunately, I dont think I'll ever have to worry about this part.
There are times when there will have to be some compromise. I heard a story (dont remember where) about a woman who really loved going to to church. Her husband really didnt love her going and made her stop. Instead of giving up, she invited neighbor kids to her house on Sunday mornings and did Sunday school there. Eventually, he finally let her go back. :)
Overall, submitting is a matter of the heart. What's the point in obeying if we are not ever happy about it? But how much easier is it to obey when we do it out of love and respect for our husbands? It is quite freeing when we take steps to choose the right attitude.
Jesse loves me. He knows me, he respects me, he doesn't always understand me, but he tries. He forgives me for my shortcomings and has been giving me a million chances to keep working on them. He's (usually) careful to know how much he needs to say without being controlling. Our marriage hasn't always been rainbows and butterflies, but it has always been worth it. Even in the hard times, I've never regretted to promise to "honor and obey." I've regretted the failing at it, but not the commitment to keep on trying. He respects my efforts and I appreciate that. He gets frustrated when I fail, but he loves me enough to stick around to give me another chance. And another. And another. And another.
This was done in pieces so I hope it makes sense. It's one of those subjects that not many people want to talk about, but I'm learning to be less afraid of it. There are no perfect marriages, but there is no reason we can't at least try to do what we're called to do.
At some friends' wedding when I was pregnant with Tristan. I'm too lazy to look longer for something newer. :)
