-William Shakespeare
Probably the best quote ever for our girl.
Back in the day, I actually kept up with my Xanga. Pre-facebook, etc. so it was the easiest way to keep in touch with people. I cant imagine how sad I would be if I had not logged the entire experience of the beginning of our journey with her.
They took the big tubes off her face so I could see what she looked like.
http://pinkdebster.xanga.com/606429315/danica/
That's the first time I posted after I got home from the hospital after having her. (Feel free to snoop around on there and read her whole story from then.)
I came home without ever holding her. I walked into an empty house because Alex had gone on vacation to Michigan without us. Friends came to bring us dinner right as we arrived home and then about half an hour later, I got a call saying that one of my dearest friends at home in NJ was on life support. Another call early the next morning to tell me she didnt make it.
Worst. Week. Ever.
Ok. So when people go in to have a baby, everyone always gets excited. People congratulate you and wish you the best, etc. When people hear of the new baby they congratulate you more and everyone is happy.
When you go into labor 7 weeks and a day early, it's scary. When the nurses tell you that you'll be lucky for a 4 pounder and chances are low they'll come out crying, there are no smiles. When complications make labor far more painful than it should be, it's not exciting. When the epidural does enough to save your life, you can be thankful, but when it doesnt actually take away any pain, there is no rest.
People say "One of the happiest days of my life is when I had my baby!" No. Monday, July 23, 2007 was the scariest and most physically painful day of my life. BUT...
We had our baby girl.
She did come out crying, not like a full term baby does, but PRAISE THE LORD, she was crying. If ever there was a sweet sound on the day that I spent crying more than I ever had in my life, my baby girl cried.
I'm pretty sure that Jesse got to hold her, but I did not. They lifted her up enough for me to see her, but then took her away.
3 pounds 3.5 ounces and 16 inches long. My sweet little alien.
When you have a baby, your mind fill with hopes and dreams of them growing up and going on adventures and lots of fun things.
When you have a preemie, especially a real preemie (though she's not a micro-preemie), those disappear. When you are finally holding your baby with an IV sticking out of their head, coming out from the lights for only up to 20 minutes, hooked up to beeping monitors, forever labelled as 32 weeks, there is no future.
Only when you get glimpses of when you *might* be able to bring them home, do you have a future. And the future is just that- bringing them home.
Danica spent 31 days in the NICU. Amazingly enough didnt need any surgeries. Alex wasnt allowed to see her the whole time. Optional chicken pox vaccine that we opted out of kept him out of the NICU. Could my heart have broken any more? Seeing other families with their babies' siblings didnt help. Stupid optional vaccine.
Anyways. At 31 days old, she was 4 lbs 13 oz. All she needed was an apnea monitor and she came home. THAT was the happy day! I remember seeing the pictures of my siblings and I at the hospital meeting the newest sibling... this is the picture I wanted to have when I found out I was pregnant.
Oh how he loved her! All the time running back and forth to the hospital got him used to sharing me. He was- and still is- a fantastic big brother.
Danica didnt sleep for real until she was 18 months old. She slept 7 hours once when she was about 7 months old. That's it. We knew something was wrong when she was 'sick' at 8 or 9 months when we tried some foods. But our pediatrician was worthless. Our neighbor helped us figure out her milk allergy at almost a year. Pediatrician didnt care, told me I should have stopped nursing her at 4-6 months. And why? because that's when most people do. Probably she would have died or gotten close to it had we tried to give her formula. We should have sued that guy.
When we got a new doctor (had to change insurance to do that), we finally got sent to some specialists. The first thing our GI guy said was "lets run some tests and see what she's allergic to," I got choked up and thanked him. Saved those tears for when we got home. That was the beginning of our next real chapter with her.
We already knew about the milk thing, so I cut out all major dairy- didnt realize that even when I ate casein far down on an list of ingredients, it would mess her up. But, after all the tests, lots of visits to the allergist and the GI clinic, we had things figured out, or at least enough. I was still nursing, so I had to cut everything she was allergic to out of my diet, too. Yes- it was worth it. I wouldnt have changed that decision for anything. And not just because I lost a bunch of weight! hahaha I did stop right before that Thanksgiving because I wanted to be able to actually eat. That part is selfish, but she was finally gaining weight again and happier and 16 months old. By 18 months she finally started sleeping through the night. And that apnea monitor? Finally gone. The normal "3-5 months" they told us had long past. But her esophagus was messed up from her allergies and she still set it off sometimes. So by 18 months, she was healing and looking better and actually happy occasionally. And I finally wasnt worn so thin. (about 6 weeks of this awesome before I got pregnant again! Ha!)
She's a feisty one, this little girl. She is one tough cream puff. And she is amazing.
She's been through far more than I ever would have imagined my kids would ever have to go through. She knows she started out too small, but doesnt fully understand all that yet. Someday she will. And I have no idea how she will react.
Now..... she is fully caught up. Skinny Minnie, but as tall as her friends as far as I can tell. Her speech was the last thing to catch up, but little kids speak funny, so no big deal. And 2 weeks ago, the week she turned 6, she started saying her R's. Just like a lightbulb went off in her head and she can say them totally clearly now. I dont know how to fix the bilateral lisp, but that's the only thing left! We go to get her eyes checked tomorrow(first time since we've lived here- oops!), but making it to 6 without glasses is really good for a preemie. And I dont even know if she'll need them at this point.
For her birthday, we got her ears pierced. She said 'Ow'. Once for each ear. That's it. And now she feels 6, because before she still felt like she was 5.
My tiny baby girl is going into first grade. She rocked at school in Kindergarten and she'll do it again this year, we're sure. Which is a peaceful feeling for me, because last year this time, I was having meltdowns regularly thinking about her going to school. She was awful all summer. She hated me. She hated every thing we did. She hated her brothers and was even angry at Jesse and extended family. It was the worst her attitude had ever been- and she wasnt giving us any breaks. I was afraid she would be mean to everyone there and not make any friends. I was worried that she wouldnt do well academically. I was nervous that she would accidentally ingest a peanut product and die. And then she went to school (and I cried the whole first day)..... and was happy. All the time! Which was really weird for her but I liked it! And she was totally fine at the work part of school, too. Not quite as amazing as Alex, but at least grade level for everything. We're happy. Oh- She can read! I know I couldnt read much when I finished Kindergarten, but this girl can read. I give the credit to her teachers for sure. They were awesome with her last year!
This year, first grade. I'm not scared. She loves school and we know that now. She's also happier at home, too. Kindergarten grew her more than she'll ever know. She's learned to control her emotions (anger) much more easily. I can talk to her like a real person when she's upset. She loves her developing reading and writing skills. (she doesnt care as much about math. :-P ) I'm actually excited for her and totally confident in her going to first grade. Or what a blessing that is compared to how I felt last year!
She is my hard one. We butt heads a lot. But we are ever-so-slowly learning how to relate to each other, but we certainly have a long road. I wont give up. As she grows up, I'm sure we'll both want to, but I hope and pray that she knows I will never ever give up. We do have good bonding moments here and there. She is sweet to me more often these days. And I love her more than I ever thought possible. And I make sure she knows that every day, especially on the rough days. She amazes me with how much anger can come out of someone so small and so young. But she amazes me with how tender and loving she can be as well. I'm sure her personality will lead to many blogging opportunities. As will our hopes and dreams that are now coming back to us for her.
